


When You Wake You'll See the World

by Adoxerella



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:37:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2380190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adoxerella/pseuds/Adoxerella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After making it through the Illuminati mission alive and without any incidents, Yukio felt he might finally be free. Unfortunately, freedom came with unexpected side effects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sleep until you waken

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through chapter 60 of the manga. The title comes from the following verse.  
> “Sleep my little baby-oh  
> Sleep until you waken  
> When you wake you'll see the world  
> If I'm not mistaken...
> 
> Kiss a lover  
> Dance a measure,  
> Find your name  
> And buried treasure...
> 
> Face your life  
> Its pain,  
> Its pleasure,  
> Leave no path untaken.”  
> ― Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book

Yukio looked around his room and let a small smile come over his face. He absently nodded as his brother rattled on about cleaning up and resting. He planned to do so as well, but he was willing to let Rin have first go at the bathroom. He wanted to spend a few minutes basking in finally being home.

It had been a harrowing mission, but by some miracle they had managed to make it out alive. Izumo Kamiki, changed but still miraculously alive, was now back in the care of the Order. Sir Pheles has offered assistance in adapting to the changes which had occurred. Though it was obvious the girl suspected ulterior motives, she decided his offer was more appealing than the others she was facing.

The traitor, Shima Rezou, was still with the Illuminati. The various fights within the Illuminati compound managed to convince even Rin of the fact Shima had never been a friend. He knew his brother was still disturbed by the teen's treachery, but he has finally accepted the fact the former friend didn't want to be rescued.

The Illuminati base itself was destroyed, although Yukio doubted the organization was out of commission. Despite the limits placed on him by an ailing vessel, Lucifer was too powerful to be beaten by a handful of Esquires and a single commissioned Exorcist. They had rendered the immediate threat inert, but the danger was still there.

None of these things were the cause of the sense of relief coursing through him right now. Part of what was allowing him to relax was how well his brother and the other Esquires had performed under pressure. Each had managed to come into their own, showing a unique skill set which meshed well with the others in their group. All of them had found the strength to overcome the threats posed by the horrific creatures the Illuminati used. Even Rin, who resisted so much at first, was finally able to overcome his doubts and destroy the enemy at hand, and he managed to do so without losing control even once.

Finally it looked as if his brother was learning and his training was paying off, and Yukio felt a deep sense of relief as the looming threat from the Vatican seemed just a bit further away.

Perhaps most important, though he felt guilty for saying so, was the fact despite the immense pressure of the situation, he had felt no hints of anything strange within himself. Even during the most intense times, there was no sense of bubbling rage. Not even the threat of death by the zombie chimera drew a sheen of blue across his vision. Even the brief confrontation with Lucifer hadn't drawn a hint of reaction.

As he and his charges limped their way back towards where the Order would pick them up he felt a sense of relief. Both because they had made it through the battle alive, but also because he no longer felt as if he were teetering on the edge of inevitable disaster. If he could make it through such danger with nary a whisper of anything unusual, then perhaps the incident with the Impure King was simply an anomaly. If his body hadn't reacted to the constant threat of death he had just returned from, then maybe there was simply no reaction to occur. Perhaps the inner demon he so feared was not present after all.

Yukio started a little when he realized Rin had returned to the room, clean, the few cuts which hadn't already healed bandaged lightly. He muttered a few words before collapsing on the bed, too tired to even properly get under the sheets.

Honestly Yukio could understand the feeling.

He made quick work of showering and changing into his own night clothes, thoughts becoming muddled as fatigue took over. Soon he was crawling under his own covers, marveling at the sense of release he felt. It was freeing to have some of his fears finally laid to rest.

He awoke after what felt like far to little rest, but the incessant ring of his alarm clock could not be ignored. He had meetings and debriefings to attend. Although his superiors had been kind enough to allow him a nights rest, he knew he couldn't push them back until later in the day.

He managed a small smile as Rin complained across the room before turning over and putting his back to his twin as if the action would dampen the noise. He didn't bother trying to get the demon to wake up just yet. He wanted to go through his daily abolution in peace.

Grabbing a small caddy containing soap and his tooth brush and paste, he made his way to the hall sink. He carried his glasses case in the container as well, numerous trips allowing him to make the trek from memory. His mind was still cloudy, but his steps were surprisingly sure as he swayed down the hallway. Then case set on the appropriate shelf, he set about cleaning his teeth.

Yukio wasn't thinking of much as he blinked muzzily at his blurry reflection. He had a few vague thoughts about the upcoming day, but he wasn't quite ready to shed the hazy world of sleep for the responsibilities of the real life. He idly noticed his eyes were brighter than usual, but he discarded the thought nearly as soon as he had it. The light slanting through the windows also seemed extraordinarily bright, and was likely the cause of the unusual reflection.

Teeth clean, he set about washing his face, vainly trying to rub the fatigue out of his pores with the washcloth. Perhaps with the impending threat of change fading, he might have time for a little more rest. Surviving on energy drinks alone was unhealthy, and without the constant danger, he might be able to sleep easier. After all, he certainly slept well last night.

Face dry, he put the towel aside and finally grabbed his glasses case. Slipping the frames onto his face, he looked himself in the eye and felt all the air leave his lungs. The glasses case slipped out of suddenly numb hands clattering into the basin. His mouth open and eyes wide he stared in disbelief and rising terror at the clear image now in front of him.

Pointed ears. He had pointed ears, and fangs easily viewed within his gasping mouth. He stumbled backwards, nearly fleeing the image, and a long thin appendage swung wildly, unable to right him. He tripped on the stairwell falling down hard on the steps, but the sharp knock of pain didn't phase him. The lingering glimpse of his distorted reflection dancing behind his eyelids with each blink had all his attention.

It was impossible, a mistake, an illusion. It had to be. He had felt so free last night, as if the long carried terror he'd felt at the idea of awakening had finally left. The danger, the threat was finally gone, and he hadn't exploded. He'd made it through, so how was it he now bore the signs of such explosion. His bed hadn't been cinders. There had been no scorch marks where he lay. He'd had nary a dream at all, let alone visions of blue fire or a demonic visage staring his way. His night had been filled with peace, with relaxation, with release.

Release.

There had been release, all right, but rather than the fiery explosion he'd always feared, instead it had been an absence of pressure and fear. Somehow the thing he had always suppressed, kept tamped down inside, had managed to ease its way to the surface as slowly, as inevitably as air leaks out of a damaged tire. It wasn't dramatic as his brother's explosive entrance to demonhood, but it was just as effective, and the results were just as permanent. Because just like with Rin, there was no going back.

He sat there, still sprawled across the steps and tried to figure out what was next. He was soon due at Headquarters to face debriefing, yet now he wasn't sure exactly what he would face. What would it mean for him, for his brother who was finally starting to get out of trouble. Who would look after Rin if Yukio were a demon too? 

All the worries and fears he'd felt as if he'd finally put aside were now back with full force bringing even more with them. He stared silently ahead, eyes still wide, and tears trickling down his face wondering what would happen next, unsure of whether he or his brother would survive.


	2. Find your name

Yukio was still sprawled across the stairs two hours later when his brother found him. He'd made no effort to change his position into something more comfortable. Instead he'd rested his head on a stair and looked sightless towards the peeling paint on the ceiling.

With such a position it was little wonder Rin broke into a run when he first spotted him, calling his name in alarm. Blinking he raised his head to glance at his brother before letting it thump back down on the stair tread. He didn't want to see Rin's face when he figured out how much his brother had failed him.

His twin skidded to a halt a few feet away. There were several moments of tense silence, as if Rin was waiting for him to speak. When no words were forthcoming, he tried to coax something out of him.

'"What happened?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Not really. I know you weren't like this last night, and I kind of remember your alarm going off. What I don't remember are fire and explosions."

The tip of Yukio's new tail twitched and he made a pained expression.

"There weren't any. I woke up like this. I didn't even realize anything had happened until I put on my glasses."

"Seriously?" Rin's tone reeked of disbelief. "How could you not notice growing a tail?"

Said appendage gave another annoyed twitch, but this time he was too distracted to notice.

"Did you notice yours right away?"

"No, but I had a few more pressing distractions than washing my face. I know you're not that hung up on your appearance."

"Well I didn't. I didn't notice anything different. I felt perfectly normal." He let out a small sigh. "I still feel perfectly normal, even though I'm not."

"Why not?"

"Normal humans don't have tails, Nii-san."

"Well yeah," Rin sounded a bit exasperated. "But normal demons do...and that's what you are, a normal demon."

Yukio suddenly sat up, glaring at his brother.

"I'm not a normal demon. I'm the son of Satan. There are only nine others. In addition you and I are the only ones with the flames!"

"Are you sure?"

The anger drained out of Yukio and he gaped at his brother.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well maybe the reason it happened like this, without fire and explosions is because there's nothing to explode. Maybe instead of being half demon, you're like, a quarter or something."

"I don't think it works that way Nii-san."

Rin made an impatient noise.

"You know what I mean, Yukio. You and the Old Man both said you didn't get the flames because you weren't strong enough to stand them. Maybe you still aren't." He looked a bit dismayed when he realized what he had said and how it could be taken, so he continued. "I mean, sure you're not the wimpy kid you used to be, but you keep talking about how strong the flames are-"

"That's because they are, Rin."

"Let me finish!" he snapped. "I realize how strong they are now. I've learned how much control it takes to make them behave. I feel it every day Yukio." Rin gestured towards his heart. "So maybe you might be strong enough to handle ears and a tail, but the flames are still too strong for you."

Yukio sat silently thinking over what his brother had said. The signs he had seen before seemed to negate his point, yet those signs had also faded away so much he'd thought they had been a fluke. Perhaps, in a way, they actually had been.

"There's a certain amount of sense to your words," he started off slowly.

"You don't have to sound so surprised," Rin muttered.

Yukio gave him a quelling look, unaware of how much more effective it was with demonic features until his brother's mouth clicked shut. He waited a moment longer before continuing.

"As I was saying, there might be something to your hypothesis, but even if you're right, I doubt it will make much difference to my superiors. Superiors whom I am supposed to meet with today."

"Yeah, the ringing of your phone woke me up. When I realized your uniform coat was still there I came looking for you."

"My phone...," his tone was confused. "What time is it?"

"I dunno. Late for you, early for me."

"Damn. I need more time."

"So take it."

"The leadership of the Order is not something you can just ignore, Nii-san."

"I know! I've got the scar to prove it," he said gesturing towards his leg absently. "But you can postpone things a bit. Say you're sick or something."

"That isn't going to stop them. Hiding isn't going to work."

"I'm not saying hide, just stall for time. Meanwhile I'm going to call the guys and Shiemi. Izumo's probably not up for anything yet. I think Takara was taking her to meet her sister. Then you're gonna call Shura."

"Why?" Yukio asked, a bit bewildered by his brother's assertiveness.

"Cause you're going to need someone higher up in the Order on your side when you do meet with them, and I trust Shura a hell of a lot more than I do Mephisto."

Rin had a point. Yukio had little trust for Sir Pheles either, despite his position within the Order and the fact he was technically their guardian. A part of him was still convinced the demon had sent them on their recent mission in hopes something like his current predicament would happen. Still he wasn't looking forward to what Shura would have to say.

"And why call the other Esquires?"

"Cause we need back up who the Order will listen too, and after our last mission, Suguro, Konekomaru and Shiemi should garner a bit of respect too. Plus they can vouch for the fact you didn't change or anything while we were there, cause they aren't going to believe me."

"It's still dangerous, Rin. There's no telling what the leadership is going to do when they find out I've also awakened. Even without a sign of the flames, the very fact I've started showing demonic aspects will make them angry."

"Yeah it's dangerous, but it's like Suguro kept telling me, we've got friends. We don't have to face that danger alone. So stop worrying and get up." He held his hand out to his twin. "Forget about being a demon and be my scary smart little brother instead."

Yukio gave Rin an incredulous look before glancing at his outstretched hand. The role reversal was a bit unsettling, almost more so than awakening itself. However for just a moment, he was willing to let his brother take charge. After all, had he been thinking a bit clearer it was a plan he might have thought up himself.

Reaching up he took his brother's hand, allowing the other demon to pull him up.

"When did you get so wise?"

"Hey," Rin nearly let his arm go for a moment, then seemed to think better of it and finished pulling him upright. Once Yukio had his balance, his twin paused, rubbing the back of his neck. "Who knows. Maybe your brains are starting to rub off on me."

"I'm surprised they made it through your thick skull."

"Hey Moley Four Eyes, watch it." He gave his brother a playful shove. "Have some respect for the big brother who's helping you."

Yukio paused, watching his brother walk a few steps, pondering the fact their roles had reversed again. He was supposed to be protecting Rin, yet his twin was protecting him instead. Curling his hands into fists he took a deep breath, then relaxed them and started walking, long strides quickly closing the distance between them.

He would make it past this setback. He had a responsibility to Rin and a promise he'd made to himself and his father. Whatever it took, he'd continue protecting his twin in his father's stead.


	3. And buried treasure

By some miracle, and Yukio felt almost guilty applying that word to himself now, circumstances had granted him a short reprieve. 

The phone call Yukio had received was an inquiry rather than a summons. His superiors were curious as to whether he was suffering from the same miasma related illness the Esquires were, at least those who were still human. He felt bad for being so relieved at someone else's misfortune, but he couldn't help it. By claiming he had the same condition, he'd managed to get several days of leave. The Order still required him to submit a written report via email, but at least he wouldn't have to meet with them in person where his transformation would be obvious.

While he had been speaking with officials from the Order, Rin had been talking with Suguro, which meant both of them found out about the esquires illness at roughly the same time. His brother had decided they still needed to meet, but first he needed to make his friends something to eat.

"They need to replenish their strength," Rin had insisted, when Yukio had questioned him. "I'm going to make them the special soup I made that one time you got sick."

Yukio remembered that soup. It had been delicious, but it hadn't really done much to make him better. Then again, the 'cold' he was suffering from had actually been a concussion from a training mission. At least he knew the meal would be gentle on stomachs made queasy by miasma illness.

So now Rin was puttering about their kitchen, preparing ingredients while speaking with Shiemi-san. From the snippets of the conversation he'd heard before leaving the kitchen, the young tamer's illness was not very severe. She'd recognized her symptoms and made herself a remedy based on one of her grandmother's recipes. She had promised to bring some along for Suguro and Konekomaru when they met.

Which left one more person to contact, not that Yukio was ready. So instead he was busy staring at himself in the mirror, eyes continually tracing the changes to his appearance. 

He wasn't quite sure how it was possible to look the same yet entirely different at the same time, but somehow he was doing it. His face was still the same, just shifted slightly towards the otherworldly. The same green eyes peered back through thick lenses, only now his pupils were slightly elongated, not quite slit but no longer round. His ears tapered to a slightly sharper point than his brother's, but they weren't any longer than before. Although they seemed to stick out more, though that might be because of his glasses. With his mouth closed, the fangs weren't even visible, and when he did part his lips, he was relieved to see they were not nearly as obvious as they had first appeared.

He totally lacked the tell tale blue tint which characterized his twin's appearance. The more he stared the more it seemed his brother might actually be right and he might be lacking the flames. It wasn't very likely. Plus, even if it was true, it wasn't really very reassuring. If his body had eventually strengthened enough to withstand demon features, it would likely some day become strong enough to carry the flames. He might be no different than any other human with demon blood now, but for how long. How long until his body strengthened enough for the cursed fires to ignite within him?

"Are you planning on going to visit Suguro and Koneko in your kitty cat boxers? Cause I thought you didn't want them to see those."

Yukio started, his new tail bristling slightly, as he looked over his shoulder towards his brother.

"Are you done with the soup?"

"Nah, it's all in the pot, but it'll be a while before it's finished. I didn't hear any shouting, so I thought I'd check on you. I've never heard you that calm when speaking to Shura."

Yukio turned back towards the mirror, but he couldn't quite avoid glancing at the phone sitting on the edge of the sink.

"I haven't called her yet," he quietly admitted.

"That's what I figured." Rin's reflection nodded when Yukio glanced at it. "Why not," he paused frowning. "You're not...I mean you...you're not afraid we can't trust her, right?"

Yukio turned around to look at his brother, a frown on his face. He knew how fond Rin was of the fiery redhead. Despite his often vocal complaints, his twin genuinely cared for the woman. After Shima's betrayal, he likely didn't want to contemplate another friend turning on him. 

"We can trust her Rin." He couldn't quite muster a reassuring smile, but he tried to make his confidence clear in his voice. "Shura was loyal to Father and I know she is loyal to us as well. Despite the fact she answers to the Paladin, I don't doubt the fact she will help me no matter what course of action we decide upon."

"Then why are you putting off calling her?"

Why indeed, he thought, looking down towards the ground. His tail had settled down on the top of his feet again, resting there to avoid touching the cold tile. The sight of it was a reminder of the cause of his hesitation. 

If he called Shura, he'd have to say it out loud. 

Despite the fact he'd been staring at the truth writ upon his features most of the morning. Despite the fact he and his twin had come up with a course of action. Despite talking about the changes in the first place, Yukio still hadn't said the words out loud, and a childish part of him was hesitant to do so. Because if he avoided it, if he didn't say it out loud, there was a chance it wasn't real. If he didn't say the words then maybe it was all a dream and he would wake up in bed, human.

Only he knew such a thing wasn't possible. 

"Remember what I said, otouto. It's time to start being my badarse, scary smart little brother."

Yukio looked up sharply, not quite sure how Rin could see through him so easily. For his part, his brother gave him a small sad smile.

"It took a couple days before I could say it out loud, myself." The smile quirked a bit, shifting toward something a bit more impish, yet still gentle. "So why not show me how you've surpassed me and do it on the same day." With that, he turned and walked away. "I've got to go check on the soup. I'll let you know when it's ready."

Yukio watched him walk away. It seemed he was not doing such a good job of renewing his resolve. Rin was still managing to end up looking out for him. Then again his twin had also given him an opportunity to pull ahead.

Taking a deep breath, he grabbed his phone, dialing the familiar number. He waited until he heard her greeting, before speaking.

"Shura, I was wondering if you could meet Rin and I at Suguro and Konekomaru's dorm."

"Huh? I thought you had the same miasma illness the others had."

"That's what I told the Order."

"Wait, what? What are you playing at Scaredy? Are you saying you lied to the Vatican?"

He took a deep breath, steeling himself. 

"That's exactly what I'm saying Shura. I needed the time such a statement would buy me."

"Why?"

"Because something happened last night, Shura, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it." He turned around and looked at himself in the mirror. Demonic features stared back at him. "Somehow I seem to have awakened last night," he was proud his voice didn't waver. "I am trying to figure out how to tell the Order, and I need your help."


	4. Face Your Life

Yukio's eyebrow twitched.

His tail also twitched, but it wasn't as apparent as the eyebrow since it was hidden beneath his shirt. He now understood why his brother found it so uncomfortable.

The reason for the twitching of both body parts were the intense stares coming from all of the esquires in the room save his brother. All of his students, as well as his colleague seemed intent on taking in every detail of his appearance which had changed. It made him wonder if he had been wrong when he was looking at himself earlier. Perhaps it was more apparent than he thought.

Mostly he found it annoying, however he kept his irritation to himself. He was asking these people for help and had no business snapping, not matter how vexing their scrutiny was.

"What I don't understand, is how you didn't notice anything until you looked in the mirror," Suguro finally broke the silence.

Shura broke into a loud cackling laugh, nearly falling off of the chair she was perched on.

"The look on your face Scaredy," she giggled, seeming to revel in his frustration.

"It was not something I expected. Plus there was a great deal of fatigue left over from the mission," Yukio admitted his defense sounded weak to even his own ears.

"Maybe Yuki-chan had trouble focusing cause he had a milder case of the same thing we had," a small smile crossed his face as Shiemi tried to defend him.

"Yes, but demons don't normally suffer from miasma related illnesses." Miwa said, before his eyes widened, realizing what he had said. 

"True," Yukio cut in before he attempted to soften his words. "If the miasma was thick enough to cause harm to a demon, then the three of you would likely be in the hospital."

"Does it really matter why he didn't notice it? I mean, we came over cause we needed help?" Rin finally spoke up, and Yukio found he was ridiculously grateful for the distraction.

"I think they just want to make sure awakening didn't addle his brains," Shura said, cheeky grin still on her face.

"I was tired, not stupid Shura," he said, his tone just short of snappish. If anything it made her grin bigger.

"What's the matter Scaredy, afraid you'll end up like your brother?"

"He already did end up like me," Rin piped in, completely missing Shura's point. 

"Moron," Suguro muttered, likely under his breath. However with his newly enhanced hearing, Yukio heard the comment quite clearly. He didn't know whether to be annoyed for his brother's sake or agree.

Rin seemed content to ignore it, though a frown flickered across his face for a fraction of a second. However he spoke as if he hadn't noticed a thing.

"What matters is Yukio's a demon now, and we need to figure out how to keep the Order from freaking out. I don't want him to have to deal with the same bullshit I do."

"What you want isn't really going to matter, Rin. The higher ups are not going to be happy to have another son of Satan on their hands," Shura replied, he tone a bit more serious.

"But Rin said Yuki-chan doesn't have Satan's flames. Wouldn't that mean he's not as dangerous," Shiemi faltered a bit, giving Rin an apologetic smile. "Not that I think Rin is dangerous."

"He is dangerous," Suguro butted in. "We've all seen what the flames can do, and unfortunately so has the Order. There's a reason Koneko made him our trump card. However he's also on our side."

"Well, there's little doubt Okumura-sensei is on the Order's side," Miwa added. "So he does have an advantage over Rin. He's already proven himself."

"Unfortunately that isn't going to matter once word of his awakening gets out. Especially given the fact he missed a bunch of his blood tests relatively recently."

"As I said at the time, Shura, I was busy." Yukio's tone turned glacial, as he directed a glare at his fellow exorcist.

Most of the esquires looked confused and a bit alarmed, except Rin who narrowed his eyes. He gave Yukio a hard look, but before he could say anything, Shura continued.

"Right. I don't believe you anymore than the Grigori are going to, Scaredy. All they are going to see are missed tests and you awakening and they'll draw their own conclusions."

"The tests came back negative, Shura. They have always come back negative. In fact the one I took right before leaving for this mission was exactly as negative as all the others."

"Do you really think they'll care?"

"The whole purpose of asking for your help was to figure out a way to make them care, Shura."

"I can't perform miracles, Scaredy, especially when you're still keeping things to yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right," Shura's tone indicated everything but agreement. "Excuse us a minute kids, but Scaredy Cat and I need to talk in private.

Before anyone had a chance to protest, and Rin looked ready to do so vigorously, Shura was dragging him out of the room and down the hall. She fumbled with a set of keys, shoving it in the first suitable door she found, then dragged him through, before slamming it behind them. Yukio looked around and saw they were in one of the interrogation rooms at headquarters, then rounded on the other exorcist in anger.

"Are you insane? The last place I want to be is in the middle of Headquarters."

"Too bad. This is the one place I know we can talk where it's safe."

"Safe from what, Shura?"

"You getting pissed off and going boom."

"If I didn't go boom when I awoke initially, I doubt that is a concern."

"That is bullshit and you know it, Yukio. You are a time bomb, and just because some of the pressure has been released doesn't mean the explosive still isn't there."

"There have been no signs of the flames, even during my initial alarm."

"Maybe not this morning, but what about before?"

Yukio froze for a moment. He had no idea how she knew about the incident in Kyoto, if she even knew at all.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Yeah you do. You wouldn't have just freaked out if you didn't."

"I was hardly freaking out."

"Yes you were. You were just keeping it all stuffed inside, just like you keep everything stuffed inside. Everything has to be perfect. No anger, no emotion, no worry, just the perfect little Exorcist. I bet you felt more today then you've let yourself feel in ages."

Yukio just glared, trying to keep his irritation in check. He didn't want to give her the satisfaction of blowing up when she was goading him.

"You're doing it now, too. Holding all that anger inside, cause god forbid Okumura Yukio lose his cool. You keep that calm mask on for everyone, but I've known you longer than anyone but your brother, and you've got years of practice hiding from Rin. I see the cracks in that facade."

"Everyone can see those cracks, Shura. You are not special." The words were clipped, but still calm.

"I'm not talking about you awakening. I'm talking about all the other times you've lost your cool. The little glimpses at the darkness you keep stuffed down inside of you. Ears and a tail don't do anything to reflect what you've got tucked inside."

The more she spoke, the angrier he felt. Yet he refused to rise to her bait. He simply stuffed it down as he always had before, yet a part of him was angry because such actions proved her right. Still he couldn't let the irritation surface either.

"You don't know anything about me," he said quietly.

A white hot ball of vexation seemed to form in his chest slowly burning away at his calm. He did his best to ignore it, but ignoring it seemed to make the sensation worse. The longer he pushed it down, the stronger it became until a piecing pain shot through his chest making him gasp. He clutched at his chest, as if trying to dig the feeling out, but yanked his hand away when that made the pain worse.

"You ruined your shirt," Shura said, nodding to his chest, her voice solemn.

Yukio glanced down, half afraid he would find himself in flames. What he saw was almost worse. Five rents were torn in his shirt, flecks of blood clinging to the ragged edges of the fabric. When he looked down, he saw sharp claws tipping each of his fingers. Matching bits of blood marked the ends. He stared at them in horror even as he felt a strange itching on his skin likely signalling the wounds healing over.

"Why?" he asked faintly, not sure why she'd provoked him so.

"You can't delude yourself. This stuff now," she gestured at his appearance. "This is the beginning, and you know it."

"So I'm doomed."

"Only if you aren't willing to change."

"How can I change my blood?"

"By not being afraid of it. By stopping all the damn stubbornness which keeps you shoving everything inside." Shura took a few steps closer. "I've told you before, keeping stuff down like that, it's a sure way to get possessed."

"I'm a demon now, Shura. That's hardly a worry."

"Wrong. There's one demon which can still possess you, and if you keep doing this to yourself then you're giving him the perfect opening, the perfect crack to do so."

For one moment, there was confusion before the answer hit him like a truck. Yukio looked at the other exorcist, horrified.

"No," infinite terror expressed in a single word.

"Well, that's up to you. Sooner or later, you're going to end up with the flames, and when you do you'll have the perfect body for Satan to use. Keep bottling everything up, and you'll have the perfect mind for it too."

Yukio shook his head, too frightened by the thought to even speak.

"It doesn't have to happen, but the choice is yours. You said you want to protect Rin in Shirou's place. The best way to do that, Yukio, is to make sure you don't die like him."

Shura stared at him a moment, as if searching to see if her words had taken hold. She must have seen something positive, because her expression softened.

"You can do it. Me and those kids are gonna help, but the hardest part is gonna fall on you. You've got to be strong, and learn that strong isn't carrying everything on yourself. You up for the challenge?"

"God yes, I have to be."

"But do you want to be?"

"Of course," he glared at her.

"Really?"

Rather than snap back another affirmative, he paused a moment. Did he really want to change, not out of necessity, but because he desired to remake a part of himself. It was not as easy of a choice as it should be. He had no desire to keep the weakness such habits brought, but he would be lying if he said those habits lacked advantages. Would he, could he give those advantages up? 

"I'm not sure if I know how at this point."

"Heh, that's what I'm here to teach you."

"Teach me?" his voice was a bit more horrified than it should have been, then again, he'd seen Shura as a teacher.

"Teach you," she confirmed, smirk dancing along her lips. "Not just me, either. I'm sure all the kids will be more than happy to help."

Shura cackled at his look of horror. Then she sobered abruptly.

"You're not alone here, Yukio. You need to remember that. You've got people here to help, people you can trust. You just have to learn to not be afraid to ask them."

"I...I don't think I remember how."

"Tch. Good think we're a bunch of pushy bastards then, huh."


	5. Dance A Measure

The claws weren't going away.

He'd calmed down considerably from the initial anger which had spurred their growth. Even the terror of Shura's proclamation had faded to a small trickle of worry.

However, the claws showed no sign of going away. Yukio stared down at them, silently willing them to recede as he followed Shura back through the doorway. The longer they stayed, the easier it was to conclude they were not actually going to go away. Unlike his brother, but much like most other demons, it looked as if he would be sporting claws from now on.

Which made him wonder what else might have appeared.

"Shura, what color are my eyes?"

The other exorcist turned, smirking, but whatever smart remark she had on her lips died as she caught his expression.

"Green, Yukio. They're still green."

He let out a sigh of relief. He wasn't ready for the next step, not just physically, but mentally as well. The outburst which had resulted in the latest changes was proof. He had much to do to make himself ready. There were many things he had to learn and accept about himself. He knew he was on a time limit, but hopefully his eyes were a sign there was still time before his internal fires were stoked enough to break free.

They emerged from the interrogation room back into the boys' room to the sound of intense discussion. Suguro seemed to be trying to push his perspective by intensity alone, a difficult feat when he was still slightly pale from sickness. While Rin wasn't shouting back, his face had a stubborn set to it, as if his obstinance alone could negate whatever the other esquire was saying. Shiemi and Miwa seemed caught in the middle, both looking between the two with concerned expressions. 

The noise of the door closing brought attention abruptly to Shura and himself, and he found himself just as uncomfortable as he had been earlier. Especially when Shiemi noticed the tears in his shirt.

"Yuki-chan what happened?" she asked, rising in alarm.

"What did you do?" Rin rose as well, but his focus was on Shura, anger obviously blooming. 

Yukio hadn't realized he was moving until he was already next to his brother, his hand on Rin's shoulder.

"Nii-san it's okay. She didn't do anything besides talk. I did this to myself."

"How did you put holes in your shirt and make yourself bleed?" His twin asked, with obvious disbelief.

Miwa answered the question for him, eyes growing wide as the caught sight of the claws.

"Okumura-sensei, your hands," the fact the teens voice was laced with concern rather than fear was a sign of how much the esquire had grown.

However when the boy called attention to them, it just made Yukio more self conscious of the changes. He pulled his hand away from Rin's shoulder, nearly hiding his hands behind his back in an attempt to conceal the new additions. His twin's face filled with concern as well, and he seemed to be desperately trying to think of something to say to comfort his brother. Both of them were saved from awkward fumbling when Shiemi tugged on Yukio's arm.

"Yuki-chan are you still hurt? Do you need me to treat your wounds? Nee-chan can give me stuff to work on demons too." 

"I'm sure it's healed already, Shiemi-san. I could feel it itching as it closed up." Yukio replied, a blush staining his cheeks.

Shiemi huffed a little, her expression becoming even more serious.

"You should let me check to make sure. You're as bad as Rin when it comes to pretending you're not hurt."

Shura guffawed.

"She's got you nailed, Scaredy."

Yukio glared at the woman, though there wasn't much heat to it in the face of his growing embarrassment. 

"I promise, Shiemi-san, I'm okay."

"Tch. You just don't want her to see all your moles," Rin groused.

"Nii-san!!" Yukio sputtered as Shura laughed even harder.

"At least let your tail out. It's not like the shirt's hiding it well when the hairs from the tuft are sticking out of it."

Yukio glanced down to see stray hairs were indeed sticking out of the rents in his shirt. His cheeks darkened as he pulled the hem of his shirt out of his pants to allow the new appendage free. It gave a few flicks, as if delighting in its new found freedom. Then it settled, again curling around so the tuft rested atop his feet.

"Well isn't that cute," Shura snarked, then continued before Yukio could reply. "So did you kids come up with any plans while we were gone."

"I tried, but this moron doesn't want to listen to reason." Suguro started.

"There's nothing reasonable about your plan. It goes against the whole idea of having a plan in the first place."

"Ahh, shut up the two of you. Miwa, you explain the plan." 

"Bon thinks we should submit our reports about the mission like this meeting never happened, and I agree. If we all coordinate too much it will raise suspicions. He also thinks Okumura-sensei should report his awakening immediately-"

"Which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"The longer he keeps it secret the worse it will be." Suguro snapped. "It doesn't matter how well we did on the last mission, until we get our qualification all we are are a bunch of kids in the eyes of the Order. Even with a ranking we'll be seen as biased because our our relationship with Okumura. No matter how much we might want to help, there's nothing we can do."

"You're just giving up-"

"Nii-san, he's right."

"But!"

"He's right. Just by standing up to defend me, Suguro, Miwa and Shiemi-san would be declared biased. Anyone defending the Son of Satan would be seen as such, at least until they have the credentials and field experience to back them up." Yukio paused, pinning his twin with a look which kept him from interrupting. "I know you want to spare me the wrath of the Order, but unfortunately I don't think it is possible. You heard Shura. My own actions are coming back to haunt me and any other show of duplicity could jeopardize my standing even further."

"What was she talking about?" Rin had an unusually shrewd look on his face.

Yukio paused, squirming a little as all the attention in the room focused on him. Here was the first test of his resolution. If he couldn't admit what was going on to these people, his students and friends, then he was doomed. If he couldn't turn to them and admit his faults, then he would be a failure before he even got started.

"There have been signs, bouts of temper which have sprung up ever since Rin awakened. I...I tried to brush them off as stress, because I was too scared of any other possibility. However, during the mission in Kyoto I was stuck battling the traitor Todo Saburota alone. I was outgunned and I feared for my life when suddenly my vision was coated in a sheen of blue. Whatever I was seeing, Todo saw something as well. He also said some things, things which scared me, made me even more worried about what could be happening. I thought I was awakening, and I was terrified someone in the Order would find out. So when I returned to the Order, I avoided the check ups and blood tests for as long as I could."

"Tch, how could someone who's supposed to be a genius do something so stupid."

"Bon!"

"No Miwa, Suguro's right. It was incredibly stupid, as Shura has already reminded me. I've dug my own hole, and only complete honesty now has a chance of getting me out."

"Yeah, but how do we keep them from treating you as bad as they treat me, or worse."

"I don't know that we can, Nii-san. I'll just have to deal with the consequences of my actions."

"We'll have to deal with them."

"Later yes, but you know your presence at the Order will just make things more tense. I deeply appreciate your desire to help, Rin." He looked past his brother to the others. "I appreciate all of you and your attempts to help, but for now I'm going to have to do this alone."

"Not completely alone, Scaredy. I'll be there with you, helping as much as I can. And as much as we both hate the idea, there's one other person who will be on your side, if only so he doesn't lose a player."

"Not the Clown. I don't trust him."

"Nor do I, Nii-san, but Shura is right. He'll be there, and he'll support me, if only for his own purposes. No matter how much the Paladin might loath Sir Pheles, he does have weight within the Organization, and that weight might be what keeps me alive."

"But at what price?"

"I don't know, but isn't it better if I'm alive to pay it."

"I still don't like it."

"You don't have to like it, Rin." Shura replied, her tone unusually grim. "You just have to trust that Scaredy and I know a bit more about how the Order works than you do. Although those workings are something all of you need to learn. There's a lot more politics involved than I think most of you would like, but to survive and move up you need to be able to use it to your advantage."

Yukio knew Shura was adept in playing the political game. It was something she had been taught by his father just as he had. The former Paladin had included those lessons in his training right along with every other lesson on becoming the best Exorcist possible. It was how he'd managed to rise so many ranks by the time he was fifteen, and how Shura had managed to become one of the top ranking Exorcists in the Order.

He could tell by the looks on the Esquires faces that they were all gaining a new respect for the fiery woman, He knew they respected he fighting skills, but now they were starting to see the shrewd tactical mind which hid beneath the drunken bluster. Despite her seemingly lax attitude, Yukio knew Shura was a force to be reckoned with, no matter how much he bickered with her for her bawdy tendencies.

"So do you two need to go search out the clown?" Rin asked, and Yukio could tell his brother still detested the plan, but he trusted Shura enough to go along with it. 

"Tch, the idiot probably knows already. We'll just head to the Order and wait for him to show up. He'll probably wait until the last minute to make an entrance." Shura's scowl was severe, and Yukio was glad it wasn't directed at him any longer. From the looks on the Esquires faces, they were as well. "Meanwhile you kids work on your reports. Suguro is right, you shouldn't coordinate them, but if you're all together than you can keep Rin out of trouble."

"Hey!"

"I'm serious. You need to be on your very best behavior the next good while, at least until you take the Exam. No more going out on your own, no more ignoring orders and especially no more stressing out your brother!"

Yukio gave the woman a sharp look but she ignored him.

"You two get so caught up in protecting each other you end up driving the other one crazy. Yukio knows what he needs to do, but you have to trust your brother Rin. When he tells you something he's not trying to coddle you, he's trying to keep you alive. So do him a favor and make his job easier."

She gave his twin one last glare, waiting until she earned a grudging nod. Rin gave Yukio a telling look, and he knew when they got back to the dorm he and his brother were going to be having a discussion. However, before then, he had to negotiate for his own worth with people who would distrust him simply for his genes.

"Now you kids behave yourselves." She strode towards the door, pulling out another key and inserting it in the lock. "Come on Scaredy. Time to focus on yourself for a while. And kids, don't wait up."

With that, Yukio found himself following the woman through the door and into an uncertain future.


End file.
